Tortured Soul
by FenZev
Summary: A series of vignettes surrounding Shepard as she struggles with life, death, and the pressures of being in command...and in love. These are the scenes I needed to create to move on in the game. F!Shepard/Kaidan/Garrus. So far ME2 only.
1. Don't Go

_**Author's note for this chapter: **__**Late to the party, I know, but just got to this part in game and I couldn't see myself continuing without getting out my emotions somewhere. Damn you Kaidan! Takes place during ME2, Horizon mission.**_

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"Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre, and savior of the Citadel. You're in the presence of a legend Delan, and a ghost."

Kaidan. His voice sounded... was he angry with me? I know it had been some time, but that was beyond my control. I could barely speak with the lump forming in my throat. He was here, finally I'd found him, and damn he looked good._ Control yourself Shepard, maintain professionalism._

I hadn't heard anything further Delan had to say before he walked off. I could only stare at Kaidan, the man who held my heart and got me through the difficult times before - well, before all this. He walked cautiously, closing the distance between us almost as if I weren't real, just a mirage in front of him, but then he wrapped his arms around me. Finally I had felt whole, complete. He was what I had been missing all this time.

"I thought you were dead Shepard, we all did." Kaidan whispered those words in my ear, and my legs almost gave out. I returned his embrace, wanting to laugh, to cry, to have his lips on mine again and tell me everything would be alright. But I couldn't. Not here, not in front of my crew, but soon I swore to myself, soon.

"It's been too long Kaidan," I managed to say when he pulled away. "How've you been?"

His expression changed then, hardened, and I felt my heart begin to break. "That's all you have to say?" he asked. "After two years, you show up, act like nothing happened." He hung his head, and I could feel the pain in his words. "I thought we had something, something real. I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart."

I bit my tongue so hard I drew blood, holding back the tears that stung my eyes. How could he say these things to me? And here, now, in front of the others? Loved. He _had loved_ me. The past tense was more painful than anything I had endured over the last few years. Oh Kaidan no, please don't say that I've lost you...

I tried to reply, but Kaidan continued. "How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?"

My heart pounded so rapidly and loudly within my chest I was sure everyone was able to hear it. I felt my cheeks flush under his attack and immediately my defenses kicked in. "It wasn't my choice Kaidan, I've been in a coma for two years! You think I'd do anything to hurt you on purpose?"

He didn't hear me though. All he heard was who I was working for now, and whatever connection we had was lost at that moment. I wanted him to understand, pleaded with him to hear my side of things, but he wouldn't have it. He was angry, near vengeful, and not only questioned my judgment, but my loyalty to him and the Alliance.

When he said I had betrayed him, oh Kaidan, how could you think such a thing? "Kaidan you know me," I pleaded. "You know I'd only do this for the right reasons!"

Kaidan kept up his attack. Said I had changed, forgotten where my loyalties lie. The look in his eyes, it was clear I wasn't going to get through to him. He had two years to grieve for me, and then hope when reports came in that I may still be alive. Rumors and speculation had changed him much more than the change he was accusing me of. My Kaidan was lost to me now.

It was a cold goodbye, even after I asked him, nearly begged him, to join me again. He walked away without looking back. I could do nothing but watch him go.

I remained silent in the transport back to the ship. And I kept my briefing to a minimum. Only when I returned to my room, and stared at the picture of Kaidan I had managed to get my hands on, did I finally allow the tears to fall.


	2. Difficult Decisions

_**Author's note for this chapter: Apparently I played this out of intended order lol. Takes place during ME2, after the Arrival assignment DLC but before the Reaper IFF mission. Wrote this one because I couldn't accept the fact that not one person on the crew commented about this when I came back!**_

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"Shepard, you in here?" Garrus hesitantly poked his head inside her private quarters. He spotted the commander laying on her bed, arm draped over her face.

When he made to leave, assuming she was asleep, Shepard called to him. "I'm awake Garrus," she said softly.

His heavy footsteps echoed through the room as he descended the few steps to her bed. Shepard shifted her body over so he could sit beside her, but her face remained hidden.

"Shepard, are you alright?" Garrus asked, concern for her evident in his tone. "Chakwas wouldn't tell me anything."

How was she to answer that question? Sure, she had delayed the Reapers and probably saved trillions of lives. As Admiral Hackett said, she deserved a medal, though no one would give one to her. Not with the deaths of three hundred thousand batarians. The weight of that amount of loss crushed her heart, as doubt suddenly plagued her mind.

"I killed all those people," she whispered, turning away from Garrus. "Sent them to their deaths with little warning to survive. What if I was wrong? What if it was all in my head?"

Garrus pulled her arm from her face, and brought his hand to her cheek. Forcing her to look at him, he noticed the tears welling in her eyes. It was odd seeing her this way, vulnerable and emotional. While she always strived to do the right thing, she also appeared strong in front of her crew.

But he was more than just a crew member.

"Don't do this to yourself," Garrus said. "How many times have you been called upon to make this kind of decision? You do what you do, and are in the position you are in, because people trust you to make those calls. To handle the tough decisions without hesitation. Because you know you have to, and because no one else can."

No, no one else could. Is that the reason she was brought back from the dead? Shepard couldn't help the shiver that ran through her at the thought. She should have died. Not been brought back for this, to go through all of this again. To make these choices on her own, and then live with the guilt of the consequences her actions have caused.

"Stop," Garrus said, sensing her thoughts. "The crew needs you strong now, confident. It will do them and yourself no good to let this eat you up inside."

A heavy sigh escaped her. "I know Garrus, I know." He had been a constant support since they reunited, and after Kaidan abruptly dismissed her for working with Cerberus, she had sought comfort in the arms of the turian. Though they hadn't consummated their relationship, as Garrus was still researching the possible complications of the interracial connection, Shepard counted on him as she once counted on Kaidan. But where Kaidan would've just held her and let her get it out of her system, Garrus was the more rational one.

"Good. The crew will be expecting you for mealtime," Garrus said as he stood, patting her on the thigh.

"I'll be there," she insisted, forcing a smile on her face.

When he exited her quarters, Shepard dragged herself out of bed and went over to her desk, a hand hovering over the picture of Kaidan that lay face down. Slowly she lifted it, seeing the soft, warm eyes of her former lover. The heated conversation they had on Horizon still echoed in her mind, but the letter she received from him just last week softened her hardened heart. He had tried to move on as well, but from what he said, had little success.

Shepard briefly wondered what Kaidan would say to her if he were here. She imagined it would be much like Garrus, telling her that it was a good, informed, necessary decision. But where Garrus left, Kaidan would've remained. Would not have left her side until he knew she was alright. She didn't blame Garrus for his actions, he just didn't know her as well as Kaidan did.

Had.

Kaidan was gone, and Garrus was here, now. And the fact remained that her guilt was strong - in her decisions, actions, relationships, and leadership. But so was her mind, and though she would soon need to return to Earth to answer for her latest decision, it was one that she would make again with little hesitation. That certainty alone was what would allow her sleep at night.

After she prayed for all the souls lost.


End file.
